The optimistic cynic

If someone asks me if I am cynical, I tend to immediately answer in the affirmative.  After all, I work for the government, which means that no matter how apolitical I might feel my job is or should be, it still is.  I also say that I expect the worst, so that I won't be disappointed when things go badly and I'll be happily surprised when they go well.

I think this might not quite be accurate in terms of my relationships with other people.  It's true that I never assume people like me just because I like them.  I guess it just seems easier that way, although my feelings still get hurt when I find that I am right.  However, no matter how cynical I am, I still tend to give a person multiple chances, even when I feel they have wronged me in some way.  I suppose I believe that THIS time, things will be different.  Eventually, even I give up on someone.  However, if they show any remorse for their actions, I almost always forgive and am willing to try to be friends again. 

This attitude doesn't seem to apply only to friends but to strangers as well.  For example, even though my gut may tell me that the person panhandling is in their situation through their own shortcomings, I want to believe that there is hope for them.  I want to believe that they are sincere when the homeless man at the park asks me how I am and seems friendly to me.  I want to believe that if I treat others with respect, they will return the favor.  It doesn't always happen that way, but hopefully more often than not.

So I think that although I AM a cynic in many respects (which I tend to think of as being a realist), I am an optimistic one.

Does anyone else think this way?

It all adds up...

Whenever I think about past decisions that turned out to be poor choices, or the events of my past that have scarred me in some way, my tendency is to wish I could change the course of events.  I think to myself that I would have done things differently, made different choices, followed a different path, and I would somehow be better off today.  It's often difficult for me to view those experiences except in a negative light.

The thing is, everyone has those experiences that may have been the result of trauma, poor choices, or just plain unlucky coincidence.  Every individual is the sum of all of their experiences, good and bad.  I seem to have no trouble embracing the past of other people, and I can be boundlessly empathetic toward others.  When it comes to my own past, though, now that's when I tend to be judgmental. 

What I am trying to learn to apply to my own life now is to be as forgiving to myself as I tend to be toward others.  Because it's not just me that I hurt when I am hard on myself.  I am also not giving other people enough credit when I assume they don't accept me as the sum of my experiences the way I accept them.  I like who I am today, even though I am far from perfect. And ya know what? Those imperfections in my friends are what endear them to me the most. I have to hope it's a mutual arrangement. :)