There's a saying that goes something like this: Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. It's great advice. Don't spend a lot of effort on someone that treats you as if they don't really care about you. That should be reserved for those that truly care about you and that you truly care about.
The problem for me is that I am not always sure which people are which in my life. Sometimes, I misinterpret someone's busy schedule or personal issues as them not caring about me. By the same token, at times, I am sure I do not treat everyone that I care about in a manner that shows that. By nature, I prefer directness from others. I would prefer if we had some sort of sign on our forehead that indicated who is truly a friend and who could give a rat's ass about you...and even just those who like you but really wouldn't miss you if you were gone.
As it is, I have a very difficult time separating my own feelings of inadequacy (which, let's face it, we all have on some level) from a genuine lack of interest by another party. And though I say I prefer directness, I am often fearful of directly confronting a person because if I am wrong, then I inadvertantly offend someone that I care about. So for now, I carry on and just wonder about some people. Perhaps I will work up the courage at some point to confront those that leave me wondering. Or perhaps that alone should tell me something. Either way, it's a constant struggle for me.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Concentric Circles
My therapist recently told me to think of my relationships with other people in terms of concentric circles. I really liked this concept, and I have been thinking a lot about it, so I wanted to share it.
Here's basically how it works. At the very center, I have my "inner circle", those people that know me the best and that I share more with than anyone else. They are the ones I turn to in times of great joy or distress, and they are my primary support network. They know and accept my faults, and I theirs. The next ring includes those people that I care about but just don't share as much with. They might be people that I am close to, but only in one context. They may also be part of my support network, but to a lesser degree. The third circle consists of people that are more like passing acquaintances. We might be friendly and say hi regularly, but we don't really share the details of our lives with one another. Beyond that are people that we may see regularly but really have little or no interaction with.
I've been thinking lately about where various people in my life fall within those concentric circles. It may surprise some to find out that most of my family is not, in fact, part of my inner circle. I share very little with any of them except one sister-in-law. In fact, I consider my inner circle to be quite small, only about 6 people that I can think of, all of them very far away from here. The next ring includes a large number of people, including a couple of old college friends, many former co-workers, some fellow derby girls, and yes, some Twitter folks. Beyond that circle are many of the people I follow and interact with on Twitter, and a subset of friends on Facebook.
When considering where different people fell within these circles, I had this notion that certain people should fall within a certain circle. The point was made that there is no right or wrong place to "put" people, and in fact, different people may move from one circle to another and back again depending on the circumstances. In many ways, we don't choose who ends up where. It just happens. And just because someone is in our inner circle, for example, it doesn't mean we are in theirs. Just like the idea that you may not be the person that your best friend considers their best friend.
This thought can certainly muddy the waters a bit, but I still think it's a very useful perspective on relationships and the amount of energy one should expend on worrying over a given relationship. This means that the ones closer to the middle are worthy of more energy and effort than the ones that fall in the outer circles. I think this is basically another way of saying that we should give more thought and care to the relationships with those that mean the most to us. Which is why it's ironic to me that I am often kinder to total strangers than I am to my closest friends or my spouse. I think this occurs subconsciously and it happens because I believe those closest to me will forgive me my failures, whereas strangers often won't. Strange logic, but our minds are often a mystery, even to ourselves.
Have you thought about where the people in your life fall using this approach? Does it help you to keep relationships in perspective?
Here's basically how it works. At the very center, I have my "inner circle", those people that know me the best and that I share more with than anyone else. They are the ones I turn to in times of great joy or distress, and they are my primary support network. They know and accept my faults, and I theirs. The next ring includes those people that I care about but just don't share as much with. They might be people that I am close to, but only in one context. They may also be part of my support network, but to a lesser degree. The third circle consists of people that are more like passing acquaintances. We might be friendly and say hi regularly, but we don't really share the details of our lives with one another. Beyond that are people that we may see regularly but really have little or no interaction with.
I've been thinking lately about where various people in my life fall within those concentric circles. It may surprise some to find out that most of my family is not, in fact, part of my inner circle. I share very little with any of them except one sister-in-law. In fact, I consider my inner circle to be quite small, only about 6 people that I can think of, all of them very far away from here. The next ring includes a large number of people, including a couple of old college friends, many former co-workers, some fellow derby girls, and yes, some Twitter folks. Beyond that circle are many of the people I follow and interact with on Twitter, and a subset of friends on Facebook.
When considering where different people fell within these circles, I had this notion that certain people should fall within a certain circle. The point was made that there is no right or wrong place to "put" people, and in fact, different people may move from one circle to another and back again depending on the circumstances. In many ways, we don't choose who ends up where. It just happens. And just because someone is in our inner circle, for example, it doesn't mean we are in theirs. Just like the idea that you may not be the person that your best friend considers their best friend.
This thought can certainly muddy the waters a bit, but I still think it's a very useful perspective on relationships and the amount of energy one should expend on worrying over a given relationship. This means that the ones closer to the middle are worthy of more energy and effort than the ones that fall in the outer circles. I think this is basically another way of saying that we should give more thought and care to the relationships with those that mean the most to us. Which is why it's ironic to me that I am often kinder to total strangers than I am to my closest friends or my spouse. I think this occurs subconsciously and it happens because I believe those closest to me will forgive me my failures, whereas strangers often won't. Strange logic, but our minds are often a mystery, even to ourselves.
Have you thought about where the people in your life fall using this approach? Does it help you to keep relationships in perspective?
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