(Ir) rational (?) anger

The BCS football game has brought out some very ugly and disturbing feelings in me this week that surprised even me. It wasn't the outcome of the game, really. I'm not really into football, and I'm not a true Duck fan quite yet. However, I did root strongly against Auburn, based on principle. What principle, you may ask? I view Auburn as representative of the American South, and I will never support any team or school or pretty much anything else from that region.

I grew up in the south, outside of Atlanta, to be specific. I spent my formative years there, moving there from Cincinnati at age 4 and getting the hell out at 17. I was very lucky that my parents could afford to send me to college by the time I finished high school (the only one of 4 that went) and that they were Ohioans by birth, so they were willing to send me to Ohio State. I was anxious even then to get out of the south. I left for school near the end of my 17th year, and, except for summers and breaks, I never returned.

For me, it's not just that racism is still rampant there and everywhere else in the south. It's not just that politics are ultraconservative there and go against the values I hold so dear. It's not just that the religious right is prevalent, judgmental, and unforgiving there. It's not just that being passive-aggressive is an accepted approach to others there. No, those things are all very important in forming my opinions about the South, but they pale in comparison to traumatic events that occurred during my childhood there. It doesn't matter what those events were, really. It only matters that they are linked forever in my heart to my life there and my view of that part of the country.

I have two good friends, two brothers, a sister, and parents still living there, and if not for some of those people, I probably wouldn't visit there at all. It leaves me feeling that much disgust, that I would be willing to write certain people out of my life to be able to avoid going there.

Is that an irrational way to think of an entire region? Perhaps. However, I think it might just be my way of protecting myself in the long term. It's not like I don't remember my past, but I don't need to relive it by having to be exposed to the sources of painful memories.

So there it is. Yes, I was a bit unreasonable in my disgust for Oregonians that would stoop so low as to support Auburn, but there is an underlying reason. And I have to say I think it's a better reason that those people had for supporting that team.

Stop yer bitchin' and do something!

Admit it, we're all guilty of it. It's way too easy to sit back and bitch about things we don't like about the way the world works. The problem is that, too often, that's all we do: complain. Some of us spend a lot more time bitching and moaning about how bad this or that group is, but we often fail to get off our asses and do anything to change it.

To me, sitting around tweeting or blogging or otherwise voicing your opinions is really pointless if you don't back those words up with actions. By that, I do not mean go shoot people because you disagree with them, like the imbecile this weekend did and like some politicians seem to advocate. This is an immature, inappropriate, and wholly unproductive response, even to people that have ridiculous points of view. No, I mean putting your money where your mouth is, so to speak. If you believe in something and have the time to write about your beliefs, you have time to put them in action. I think the smallest actions make the biggest difference. If I could profoundly affect the outcome for a single person by my actions, I would choose that anyday over making some large statement that wouldn't really impact any one person in a meaningful way.

I'm not saying I am not guilty of what I am complaining about. We all are, to some degree. What I'm advocating is getting of our collective asses and doing something for someone else that will truly change their life. There are innumerable ways to support a cause or set of beliefs in a very concrete way. Mentor a child, clean up at a park, volunteer to serve meals to the homeless...the possibilities are really endless when you think about it.

I'm sick of rhetoric. It's pointless, and it doesn't benefit anyone except the egos of the self-serving people that spew it, in my opinion. I think, if all you want to do is complain but do nothing to change the situation, you need to shut the fuck up (pardon my French).

Standing up

I rarely bother to make New Year's resolutions because I view them as the sort of thing most people disregard after a few weeks at most. Instead, I have a identified a couple of goals that I believe are important to advancing my mental health this year (and into the future). As such, they are less the sort of things that typically qualify as resolutions and more as changes to my approach to life. I have two goals for change in my life that I have so far identified, which I think are just good rules for living in general.

1) Stand up for what you believe in. I think a lot of the time, I tend to avoid confrontation, and this leads me to keep my mouth shut when I encounter people that I believe are "talking shit". I sometimes even avoid or leave a discussion because I don't want to upset someone by disagreeing with them or I worry that they will dislike me if we disagree. I have recently realized that this approach causes me to compromise my personal integrity by not standing up for what I believe in. This doesn't mean not respecting the beliefs of others, unless of course they are belligerent about said beliefs. I most often avoid confrontation withing my own family, but no more. I will not stand by as young minds are molded (or warped) by views I strongly disagree with. I will no longer allow racist and/or homophobic remarks go unchallenged because it's 'just not worth arguing'. I believe it's always worth standing up for what you believe in.

2) Put your money where your mouth is. I think that if you are strongly against the attitudes or beliefs of an organization or business but continue to patronize or support that business, you are supporting those beliefs or attitudes indirectly. As an example, if I disagree with the politics of a company, I cannot in good faith patronize that business without compromising my own principles. One particular example I can think of is a business that I believe is exclusionary of a group of people because of how it views that group (which is inaccurate, by the way). I don't support that exclusionary attitude and think it's misguided, so I cannot support that business without supporting that attitude.

I think these two goals basically translate to the following: be yourself. When this is the case, you don't worry about what others think of you, because you know you are being true to yourself. It doesn't mean everyone that knows you will agree with you, but at least they know where you stand. It is any given person's choice whether or not to accept you for who you are, but it is your choice how you present yourself to others. I choose to present myself honestly and openly, even as my opinions and beliefs evolve over time.

I know this will be difficult for me at times, as it goes against my nature in many ways. However, in the end, it's worth pissing a few people off if it means I can look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed.

Party Time!

Every month local Twitter folks try to meet up somewhere for an evening of eating, drinking, and laughs.  I will say that these people mean a lot to me, because they form my base of friends since I moved to Salem a little over a year ago. I am blessed to know every one of them, and many of them have drastically changed my life for the better. 

It also happens to be my 40th birthday coming up very quickly. I rarely pay attention to which year I'm at, but since so much has happened to me in the last year or so, I feel like this is significant for me.

Soooo, because the holidays and this important birthday coincide for me somewhat, I am offering up my home for a combination tweetup and birthday party on Friday, December 10th. Of course all my Twitter friends (both local and further away, if they are willing to join us) are invited, but I am also opening up the party to others that I know that aren't on Twitter, as well as guests of invitees. This is a little different only because tweetups are usually limited (just by design not to be exclusionary) to Twitter folk.

Anyway, this one is for everyone I call a friend. I will provide snacks, including Cincinnati-style chili, and mixers. I just ask you to bring your favorite drink, which could include beer, wine, or infused liquor (!).  I will have non-alcoholic beverages available, although if you have something special you prefer, you might want to ask ahead or bring it. Most importantly, bring yourselves!

Follow this link to an evite invitation, and contact me through DM or email to get directions.  I really hope to see some new faces at this party, if anyone that hasn't attended is interested/willing to come by. We'll start around 7 and go until the last person passes out or leaves.

Please note, I've never used evite before, so I'm not sure how to add people whose email addresses I didn't have.  Any help is appreciated. If you just want to leave a comment or DM me, that'll work as well.

Just who do I think I am?

Sometimes, I wonder how I could possibly still be trying to figure out just who I am and where I fit in at my age.  I mean, shouldn't I know myself pretty well at almost 40? What kind of person doesn't get things figured out by mid-life?

Well, whatever kind of person I am, I suppose. Perhaps I'm just way too analytical for my own good. In a way, I think I want to put a label on myself, against my own better judgment. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like somewhat of a blacksheep. When I was a kid, I was intensely shy and wasn't good at making new friends. When I met someone I got along with, I tended to hang onto them as long as I could because that was easier than making new friends.  What usually ensued was that, eventually, I would find myself hanging out with people I had little in common with. I would try desperately to fit into the group for awhile, until it became overtly obvious I was not one of them.

I usually feel like I am at the fringes of any group of people I end up aligning myself with, and sometimes that bothers me a little bit. The up side is that I tend to fall on the fringes of many groups, which broadens my exposure to people with a variety of backgrounds. If I associated it with a statistical concept (and of course I do, because I'm that kind of nerd), I would be a point that doesn't fit well into any cluster. I'm kinda out there on my own. Which isn't such a bad thing, now that I think about it. I mean, I am not easily labeled, and that's a good thing, right? If that means that people have to spend more time to get to know me, then all the better. Hopefully the effort turns out to be worth it in the end.

The  point is, I find myself about to turn 40 and still kind of evolving, still not fully knowing who I am. And although it causes me distress at times, when I just want to fit in somewhere and know where that is, I am coming to peace with the situation. The idea of always changing as I age and my experience pool expands is actually very comforting. It means I am not really supposed to have things figured out because that's half the fun of life.

Going through this also makes me realize that everyone else likely goes through what I'm going through, to varying degrees. That is also a comforting thought, because I think we often feel alone in our struggles, failing to recognize they are more universal than they seem.

Do Not Read This

If you are averse to political discussion, do not read this. If you are sensitive the expression of strong opinions, do not read this. If you are looking for a fight to pick, do not read this.

Now that you have been forewarned, let me just give a little background to this post. Last night on Twitter, someone accused me of being ignorant because I said people that didn't vote the way I voted were stupid.  First of all, I did not say this. What I said was that people that voted a certain way were being short-sighted, small-minded, and selfish. I stand by this statement, but the argument that ensued was completely pointless as it evolved into name calling by the other party (who voted the same way as I did, for the record). This is when I had to exit the discussion, although it affected me deeply, and made me think about it all night long.

I am of the belief that online debates are ridiculous. I think rational discussion can quickly turn ugly online because it is too easy to say things one would never say face-to-face. Hiding behind an online persona somehow brings out the worst in people. People are often very unlike their online personality in person. So here are a couple rules of thumb: 1) If you don't have the balls to say something rude to my face, STFU.  2) If you don't know me at all and start making assumptions about me and calling me names, STFU.  That said, I am guilty of letting myself be drawn into such discussions frequently. I should know better.

The whole discussion over my opinions really came to a head because I said that people who vote Republican tend to be selfish and short-sighted and care only about themselves and preserving their own power.  I still stand by these statements, and I won't apologize for my opinions. I said this because I believe if I were to vote solely based on how a candidate's policies would affect me personally, I would probably vote Republican. I have great health insurance, and my husband and I have great jobs and good job security. It's highly probable that we will end up paying higher taxes in the future to support current policies. I am not gay, and I have no kids, and so I am not directly affected by quality of education.

However, I don't not think this way. I believe Americans have a right to health care. I believe we have a moral obligation to help the less fortunate.  I believe in equal rights and equal treatment for everyone.  I am willing to pay taxes to support all of the services I receive through local and state government, even if this means I have to pay higher taxes personally. I believe in the value of personal sacrifice to support the greater good. If I were a lower animal that only responded in a way that propagated my own genes and only cared about myself, none of these tbeliefs would hold true. But as humans, we have the ability to think beyond our own immediate needs and wants to those of future generations and others unrelated to ourselves. I, for one, would like to get to the end of my life knowing I did something that made a positive impact on other people, even if it meant sacrificing my own desires. I know I am not alone in this.

Life after the first year

I'm thinking over my first year in Salem, Oregon, which is my first year in the Pacific Northwest and my first year in the West, period.  A lot has changed over the last 12 months, and I am just finally starting to feel at home again.

We arrived in Salem on October 21, 2009.  I was really sad about leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. It all felt so final. To make matters worse, I spent the first 3 months in Salem working from home at my job in Cincinnati. This just perpetuated the feelings of loss for me. I didn't really meet many people, stuck at home all day. I joined the roller derby league so I could meet people, and I did, but I didn't form many real, lasting friendships. I actually believe that part of that was my fault because I wasn't ready to accept my new home yet.

I really stagnated for a long time, and what finally changed things for me was Twitter. I know to some that sounds ridiculous, but Salem has a relatively small community on Twitter, and as they started getting together more frequently, I met some really great people, many of whom I am happy to call friends now.  Most of my social activities now tend to be with these people, and that social interaction has completely changed my life and my outlook.  Through those people and certain others I met through roller derby, I am meeting other people, and I finally feel like I am a part of this small city. I am slowly building connections to people in Portland as well, though it's harder to socialize with people 50 miles away. I keep trying, because I feel some kinship with these folks as well, even if they are a very different crowd than those in Salem.

If you had asked me a year ago if I could ever feel so at home here, I would have said there was no hope. It seemed impossible at the time, but I have come full circle. I am so thankful for all the people now in my life, those in person and those that I currently only know online. They have made all the difference in the world for me in my transition to this new chapter in my life.

I still miss and love my friends in Cincinnati, but I am finally in a place where I can really appreciate both old and new people in my life and be truly happy about it.