I have known for a long time that my husband and I have very different personalities. He tends toward obsessiveness over a particular activity or interest (at least for some period of time), whereas I fall at the opposite extreme. Call it flighty, but I like to think of it as dabbling. It's exciting to try new things, but I rarely want to actually commit to anything beyond doing it very casually, usually once or twice.
I've always been this way, but I'm just noticing how strong and pervasive this tendency is in my life. I've started to grow more and more non-committal as I realize how many times I've invested a lot of time and money in some new activity, only to lose interest shortly after I've made that investment. This is why I'm not a good sports fan. I am almost incapable of becoming obsessed with a particular team or sport, even though I enjoy seeing a match or game or whatever, every so often. It's why I never pursued roller derby more than I did and why I don't go online to watch bouts all the time. It's why, when I reached the top of Mt. St. Helens, my first thought was not to find another mountain to climb (as it probably was for my husband). Rather, I thought, "that was really cool, and I'm glad I did it, but I do not feel the need to ever do that again".
That pattern is evident in my work life as well. I was never going to be a great dedicated scientist that developed a research interest that I pursued for the rest of my life. In my last position, I was always anxious to get done with whatever project I was working on to move on to something else. My current position suits me much better, because I am able to move from project to project and not spend too much time focused on one activity.
In fact, the more I look at my life, the more aspects it seems to affect. It would be rather alarming, I suppose, if it didn't provide some comfort in explaining much of my behavior.
Our extreme differences in personality might seem to make it hard for my husband and I to get along. To the contrary, as long as we understand each other, I think it works out better. If we were both obsessive, it would likely be about different things, and that would be a major problem. This way, as long as we acknowledge that we don't have to always share interests, it works just fine.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
That hill was more like a ramp...
You know how people joke about being over the hill when you hit 40? I think I kind of used to think that...before I actually turned 40. You're supposed to settle down and relax at 40, right? Yeah, I don't think so either. I think that instead of feeling like life is downhill from here, I have treated it as a bit of a ramp, an impetus to try new things.
Sure, I did some things since my birthday last December that were more superficial in nature, I suppose, like getting another tattoo or getting waxed for the first time. But I also set some goals for myself this year that I never would have anticipated completing a year ago.
On June 18th, Mike and I participated in Mud Run MS, a fundraiser put on by the National MS Society, obviously a cause close to my heart. It was a 10k run, with over 30 military-style obstacles and tons of mud and water. I trained for months worrying I wouldn't be able to run the 6 or so miles. In the end, I realized it wasn't about how fast I did it. It was about completing it, and I did. It took my husband and I 1 hr, 40 minutes to finish. It was a rainy, chilly day, and we were both freezing by the time we finished. I stood by one of the food carts that came down from Portland holding my free Ninkasi beer while my hand shook so much the food cart guy gave me a bowl of soup for free. Even so, I'm so glad I did it, and I plan to do it again next year.
We had two weeks to recover from the Mud Run before we were to climb Mt. St. Helens, and I was really nervous about it. We purchased our permits to climb several months ago, but I didn't think about it much until the time got close. Whenever I'm nervous about something like that, I become really ambivalent. I didn't want to think about it or even pack for it until the day we left. However, once we got into Cougar, WA, where our cabin was, I was feeling a lot more excitement than dread. We had our permit to climb for July 1st, a beautiful, clear day. We took 6 hours to get to the top, and during those 6 hours, I thought of giving up at least a couple of times. I'm glad I didn't though. I kept pushing on, even when our water supply got low. It was worth the tremendous effort. The view was amazing, and so was the high of getting up there. The trip back down to the car took another 3 hours, and we were both in pain by then.
Probably one of the big highlights (is there such a thing as a lowlight?) of the trip back down was when I had to pee so bad that I had to resort to crouching next to a pile of rocks in the middle of the big barren landscape. No one was nearby, but it was still a little surreal to be squatting out there in the wide open.
You'd think after all that, we'd relax the next day. We can't seem to do that. We toured the other side the mountain, the side that blew off with the eruption, on Saturday. Then we headed to a place called Ape Cave. Lower Ape Cave is an easy hike, so we chose to do Upper Ape Cave, which is considered strenuous. It was the most fun I've had in a cave, scrambling over rocks and up an 8 foot wall. I felt like a million bucks after we got out of there. It was tough, and we both had injuries we were nursing from the climb on Friday, but it felt good to conquer that cave.
After succeeding at those two goals that were looming over me for most of the first half of this year, I feel like I can do anything. I am more fit and stronger than I've ever been in my life. I am motivated to try all sorts of new things now that a month ago, I would have considered out of my reach. Maybe turning 40 was just the push I needed to start living again and stop just existing.
Sure, I did some things since my birthday last December that were more superficial in nature, I suppose, like getting another tattoo or getting waxed for the first time. But I also set some goals for myself this year that I never would have anticipated completing a year ago.
On June 18th, Mike and I participated in Mud Run MS, a fundraiser put on by the National MS Society, obviously a cause close to my heart. It was a 10k run, with over 30 military-style obstacles and tons of mud and water. I trained for months worrying I wouldn't be able to run the 6 or so miles. In the end, I realized it wasn't about how fast I did it. It was about completing it, and I did. It took my husband and I 1 hr, 40 minutes to finish. It was a rainy, chilly day, and we were both freezing by the time we finished. I stood by one of the food carts that came down from Portland holding my free Ninkasi beer while my hand shook so much the food cart guy gave me a bowl of soup for free. Even so, I'm so glad I did it, and I plan to do it again next year.
We had two weeks to recover from the Mud Run before we were to climb Mt. St. Helens, and I was really nervous about it. We purchased our permits to climb several months ago, but I didn't think about it much until the time got close. Whenever I'm nervous about something like that, I become really ambivalent. I didn't want to think about it or even pack for it until the day we left. However, once we got into Cougar, WA, where our cabin was, I was feeling a lot more excitement than dread. We had our permit to climb for July 1st, a beautiful, clear day. We took 6 hours to get to the top, and during those 6 hours, I thought of giving up at least a couple of times. I'm glad I didn't though. I kept pushing on, even when our water supply got low. It was worth the tremendous effort. The view was amazing, and so was the high of getting up there. The trip back down to the car took another 3 hours, and we were both in pain by then.
You'd think after all that, we'd relax the next day. We can't seem to do that. We toured the other side the mountain, the side that blew off with the eruption, on Saturday. Then we headed to a place called Ape Cave. Lower Ape Cave is an easy hike, so we chose to do Upper Ape Cave, which is considered strenuous. It was the most fun I've had in a cave, scrambling over rocks and up an 8 foot wall. I felt like a million bucks after we got out of there. It was tough, and we both had injuries we were nursing from the climb on Friday, but it felt good to conquer that cave.
After succeeding at those two goals that were looming over me for most of the first half of this year, I feel like I can do anything. I am more fit and stronger than I've ever been in my life. I am motivated to try all sorts of new things now that a month ago, I would have considered out of my reach. Maybe turning 40 was just the push I needed to start living again and stop just existing.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Requested recipes from the party
At the request of a few people at the cookout last weekend, I am providing two recipes: kale salad and the chocolate chip cheesecake spread.
First, the kale salad. I'm not going to pretend I came up with this. I didn't. I just switched out the peanuts and used almonds instead this time. Here it is (http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/salad/autumn-salad-recipe-kale-slaw-with-peanut-dressing-099767):
Kale Slaw with Peanut Dressing
(serves 6 to 8)
2 large bunches curly or lacinato kale, about 2 pounds
2 red bell peppers, cleaned and cut into fine strips
1 large carrot, peeled
3/4 cup roasted, salted peanuts, divided
1/3 cup vegetable oil
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 tablespoon packed light-brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
Pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
Fold each leaf of kale in half lengthwise and slice out the center rib. Discard ribs. Roll a stack of the leaves up and slice in half lengthwise, then crosswise into very fine ribbons. You will have 10 to 12 cups of finely chopped kale in the end. Wash and rinse thoroughly in a salad spinner.
Toss the kale with the sliced bell peppers. Slice the carrot very thin, either by creating curls with a peeler, or by running the halved carrot lengthwise down a mandoline. Toss with the kale, red pepper, and 1/2 cup of the peanuts.
In a chopper or small food processor, briefly puree the remaining 1/4 cup peanuts, oil, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper flakes. Pulse it just a few times; the peanuts should be partially pureed, but with some nibs and nubs still left in the dressing. (The texture difference between the whole peanuts, ground peanuts, and pureed peanuts in the sauce is one of the things that makes this slaw so wonderful.)
Toss the dressing with the slaw and let it sit for at least a few minutes before serving.
Now for dessert, which comes from our friend Sarah Oakes.
Chocolate chip cheesecake spread
8 oz package cream cheese
3/4 c confectioners sugar
1/2 c butter
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
3/4 c mini chocolate chips
Cream butter & cream cheese. Mix in sugar and vanilla. Stir in chips. Chill for a couple hours before rolling it into a ball.
ENJOY!
First, the kale salad. I'm not going to pretend I came up with this. I didn't. I just switched out the peanuts and used almonds instead this time. Here it is (http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/salad/autumn-salad-recipe-kale-slaw-with-peanut-dressing-099767):
Kale Slaw with Peanut Dressing
(serves 6 to 8)
2 large bunches curly or lacinato kale, about 2 pounds
2 red bell peppers, cleaned and cut into fine strips
1 large carrot, peeled
3/4 cup roasted, salted peanuts, divided
1/3 cup vegetable oil
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 tablespoon packed light-brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
Pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
Fold each leaf of kale in half lengthwise and slice out the center rib. Discard ribs. Roll a stack of the leaves up and slice in half lengthwise, then crosswise into very fine ribbons. You will have 10 to 12 cups of finely chopped kale in the end. Wash and rinse thoroughly in a salad spinner.
Toss the kale with the sliced bell peppers. Slice the carrot very thin, either by creating curls with a peeler, or by running the halved carrot lengthwise down a mandoline. Toss with the kale, red pepper, and 1/2 cup of the peanuts.
In a chopper or small food processor, briefly puree the remaining 1/4 cup peanuts, oil, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper flakes. Pulse it just a few times; the peanuts should be partially pureed, but with some nibs and nubs still left in the dressing. (The texture difference between the whole peanuts, ground peanuts, and pureed peanuts in the sauce is one of the things that makes this slaw so wonderful.)
Toss the dressing with the slaw and let it sit for at least a few minutes before serving.
Now for dessert, which comes from our friend Sarah Oakes.
Chocolate chip cheesecake spread
8 oz package cream cheese
3/4 c confectioners sugar
1/2 c butter
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
3/4 c mini chocolate chips
Cream butter & cream cheese. Mix in sugar and vanilla. Stir in chips. Chill for a couple hours before rolling it into a ball.
ENJOY!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The double-edged sword
I've been thinking lately about getting my feelings hurt by people that I opened myself up to and trusted. It's happened a few times in the last few years, sometimes with eventual reconciliation, sometimes not. What's odd about it is that for about 95% of my life, I never really experienced such rejection and pain that probabloy a lot of people experience. I think it's because for about 95% of my life, I never made myself vulnerable the way I have in the last few years.
For most of my life, I just never opened up to other people. I never really trusted anyone enough to do that. Instead, I kept my feelings locked up tight, and no one ever had a clue what was going on in my head. Thinking about it now, I realize it was just a way to protect myself from being hurt. If I never trusted anyone with anything, I couldn't get hurt by them. And to tell the truth, it worked for a long time.
A couple of years ago, though, something clicked, and I changed. A lot. I became a much more open person, someone that shares a lot more of myself than I ever did in the past. Some would argue I share too much, and I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but when I find someone I trust, I tend to open myself up and become very vulnerable. This is not always the best decision, I'm finding.
While I would not go back to the closed up version of myself in a million years, being open has its drawbacks. For one thing, it's easy for me to get my feelings hurt when I share deep things with someone and then they turn out not to be who I thought they were. I also tend to feel like I have invested a lot in someone when I share my deepest thoughts with someone, and when they don't appear to feel the same connection with me, I end up feeling foolish and naive.
I'm not saying this has happened to me a lot in the last few years, but more than it ever did while I was protecting myself from being hurt by being a closed book. Often, I don't think it's intentional or purposely hurtful on the other person's part. It's just that the connection I feel is not mutual, and that alone tends to hurt my self-esteem.
I'm not entirely sure this experience is an altogether bad thing. Sure, it hurts, but it also gives me some perspective I've never had before. In some ways, it eventually makes me develop a thicker skin. I don't want to be one of those people that "doesn't care what other people think", because that's a lot like I was before, and my life is much richer now than it was before.
I think if I can get through this with some of those people that I feel have hurt me, then I think we will understand each other better than before and can move on as better friends eventually. Or I'm being naive. I'd like to think it's the former, though.
For most of my life, I just never opened up to other people. I never really trusted anyone enough to do that. Instead, I kept my feelings locked up tight, and no one ever had a clue what was going on in my head. Thinking about it now, I realize it was just a way to protect myself from being hurt. If I never trusted anyone with anything, I couldn't get hurt by them. And to tell the truth, it worked for a long time.
A couple of years ago, though, something clicked, and I changed. A lot. I became a much more open person, someone that shares a lot more of myself than I ever did in the past. Some would argue I share too much, and I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but when I find someone I trust, I tend to open myself up and become very vulnerable. This is not always the best decision, I'm finding.
While I would not go back to the closed up version of myself in a million years, being open has its drawbacks. For one thing, it's easy for me to get my feelings hurt when I share deep things with someone and then they turn out not to be who I thought they were. I also tend to feel like I have invested a lot in someone when I share my deepest thoughts with someone, and when they don't appear to feel the same connection with me, I end up feeling foolish and naive.
I'm not saying this has happened to me a lot in the last few years, but more than it ever did while I was protecting myself from being hurt by being a closed book. Often, I don't think it's intentional or purposely hurtful on the other person's part. It's just that the connection I feel is not mutual, and that alone tends to hurt my self-esteem.
I'm not entirely sure this experience is an altogether bad thing. Sure, it hurts, but it also gives me some perspective I've never had before. In some ways, it eventually makes me develop a thicker skin. I don't want to be one of those people that "doesn't care what other people think", because that's a lot like I was before, and my life is much richer now than it was before.
I think if I can get through this with some of those people that I feel have hurt me, then I think we will understand each other better than before and can move on as better friends eventually. Or I'm being naive. I'd like to think it's the former, though.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Unhealthy attachment
I had to turn my back on Twitter yesterday, for as long as I can take it, because it was proving to be an unhealthy part of my life again.
All told, I really don't have that many friends here. I really only know a small handful of people well. The rest are what I would consider acquaintances. They are friendly to me and I like them, but they really don't care if I live or die, or at least wouldn't notice for awhile. I tend to become too attached to people, especially if I feel some sort of kinship with them. When it becomes clear to me that it is not mutual, my self-esteem gets squashed. That has happened more than once recently, and I don't think I can handle any more of that right now.
I'm an inherently social person. I need that personal interaction, and before all this social media, I actually had more of that than I do now. It's easy to feel like you know someone based on their tweets, particularly if you interact with them a lot. However, realistically, this is a delusion. You can't know someone based on an online personality. Still, I get caught in that trap of thinking that someone cares about me as much as I do them. I invest a lot of time and effort in what I believe is a genuine friendship, and then they disappear or stop talking to me. I'm sure for many people, this seems trivial, and I would argue that those people have a much larger support network, and social media is just a small component of that network. Still feeling like a newbie to town, mine is pretty limited, and, I'm realizing, woefully inadequate.
All told, I really don't have that many friends here. I really only know a small handful of people well. The rest are what I would consider acquaintances. They are friendly to me and I like them, but they really don't care if I live or die, or at least wouldn't notice for awhile. I tend to become too attached to people, especially if I feel some sort of kinship with them. When it becomes clear to me that it is not mutual, my self-esteem gets squashed. That has happened more than once recently, and I don't think I can handle any more of that right now.
I'm an inherently social person. I need that personal interaction, and before all this social media, I actually had more of that than I do now. It's easy to feel like you know someone based on their tweets, particularly if you interact with them a lot. However, realistically, this is a delusion. You can't know someone based on an online personality. Still, I get caught in that trap of thinking that someone cares about me as much as I do them. I invest a lot of time and effort in what I believe is a genuine friendship, and then they disappear or stop talking to me. I'm sure for many people, this seems trivial, and I would argue that those people have a much larger support network, and social media is just a small component of that network. Still feeling like a newbie to town, mine is pretty limited, and, I'm realizing, woefully inadequate.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Revelation: Order from chaos
I absolutely thrive on creating order out of chaos.
I just had this revelation about myself on the way home from the roller derby scrimmage, at which I was serving as penalty tracker. When I think about, I'm overwhelmed by all the aspects of my life to which this statement applies.
The things I am relatively good at include statistics, database management and creation, programming, and apparently being a non-skating official (NSO) for roller derby. At home, disorder drives me crazy, so I am always thinking of how to organize things or put them in some sort of order. Even when I do something that initially creates a mess, I only find peace when the project is done and everything is back in order.
This might seem trivial, but it's kind of amazing to realize that what brings me peace is so simple and yet sometimes so hard to achieve. I also recognize that some people are best at creating that chaos that I feel a need to find order in. Now I wonder if I actually need those people to feel like I'm actually achieving something by organizing the chaos they produce.
In any case, this is a big eye opener for me. In fact, this might even manage to create some order in my often chaotic mind.
I just had this revelation about myself on the way home from the roller derby scrimmage, at which I was serving as penalty tracker. When I think about, I'm overwhelmed by all the aspects of my life to which this statement applies.
The things I am relatively good at include statistics, database management and creation, programming, and apparently being a non-skating official (NSO) for roller derby. At home, disorder drives me crazy, so I am always thinking of how to organize things or put them in some sort of order. Even when I do something that initially creates a mess, I only find peace when the project is done and everything is back in order.
This might seem trivial, but it's kind of amazing to realize that what brings me peace is so simple and yet sometimes so hard to achieve. I also recognize that some people are best at creating that chaos that I feel a need to find order in. Now I wonder if I actually need those people to feel like I'm actually achieving something by organizing the chaos they produce.
In any case, this is a big eye opener for me. In fact, this might even manage to create some order in my often chaotic mind.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The hardest thing I ever have to do
Up until now, I've been fooling myself, and not very well at that. I have been telling myself I can do it all. I can handle organizing the Walk MS for Salem mostly on my own. This hasn't been the case, even though it was what I expected originally, because the guy that was the chair last year kept saying he wouldn't be around, etc. However, in the end, he's done a lot of connecting with businesses that the chapter failed to follow through with.
Last year, I focused mostly on trying to create a raffle where none had existed, by getting donations from a handful of local businesses. I kept telling myself that I knew so many more people that I would be so much more valuable to the walk this year. I am finally having to admit that I don't have that many connections of that kind as I thought I did after living here for another year.
My biggest problem is that I have a horrible time asking for donations from businesses I don't patronize, or at least that I don't patronize much. This is a sign of bigger issues for me. I have always had a hard time asking for help, even when I arguably needed it the most. My husband and I have been through serious health issues in the past 10 years, but I never let myself ask for help. I had a hard time accepting it even when it was offered to me, even in seemingly desperate situations. I finally had a friend and former boss of mine tell me that people wanted to help and I needed to let them. It worked at the time, but I still have a hard time with that.
I am not living up to my own expectations of what I should be able to achieve for this walk. I want it to be special for the people that care enough to participate in it. I wanted to find a drumline or something similarly dynamic and exciting that could start the walkers this year. So far, I have failed in my attempts to get anyone at local schools to respond, and I am out of ideas. I also hoped to get a lot more gift certificates to offer as raffle prizes, and while those that donated last year have agreed to do it again, it's way fewer than hoped.
I have come to the conclusion that having a committee of one or even two is just not enough. We need more help. But for this year, it's probably too late for that.
Here is my plea, for any that see fit to read this and think about responding. If you or someone you know has a business that would be willing to trade a gift certificate (nothing big) for free and positive advertising at the walk, I would love to hear from you. Also, if you or anyone you know would be willing to play long enough to start off the walkers on April 16th at Riverfront Park, I would be most grateful.
That is one of the hardest things for me to do, and it will pain me just to post this, but I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for the walk, which is way bigger than me.
Last year, I focused mostly on trying to create a raffle where none had existed, by getting donations from a handful of local businesses. I kept telling myself that I knew so many more people that I would be so much more valuable to the walk this year. I am finally having to admit that I don't have that many connections of that kind as I thought I did after living here for another year.
My biggest problem is that I have a horrible time asking for donations from businesses I don't patronize, or at least that I don't patronize much. This is a sign of bigger issues for me. I have always had a hard time asking for help, even when I arguably needed it the most. My husband and I have been through serious health issues in the past 10 years, but I never let myself ask for help. I had a hard time accepting it even when it was offered to me, even in seemingly desperate situations. I finally had a friend and former boss of mine tell me that people wanted to help and I needed to let them. It worked at the time, but I still have a hard time with that.
I am not living up to my own expectations of what I should be able to achieve for this walk. I want it to be special for the people that care enough to participate in it. I wanted to find a drumline or something similarly dynamic and exciting that could start the walkers this year. So far, I have failed in my attempts to get anyone at local schools to respond, and I am out of ideas. I also hoped to get a lot more gift certificates to offer as raffle prizes, and while those that donated last year have agreed to do it again, it's way fewer than hoped.
I have come to the conclusion that having a committee of one or even two is just not enough. We need more help. But for this year, it's probably too late for that.
Here is my plea, for any that see fit to read this and think about responding. If you or someone you know has a business that would be willing to trade a gift certificate (nothing big) for free and positive advertising at the walk, I would love to hear from you. Also, if you or anyone you know would be willing to play long enough to start off the walkers on April 16th at Riverfront Park, I would be most grateful.
That is one of the hardest things for me to do, and it will pain me just to post this, but I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for the walk, which is way bigger than me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)