The hardest thing I ever have to do

Up until now, I've been fooling myself, and not very well at that. I have been telling myself I can do it all. I can handle organizing the Walk MS for Salem mostly on my own. This hasn't been the case, even though it was what I expected originally, because the guy that was the chair last year kept saying he wouldn't be around, etc. However, in the end, he's done a lot of connecting with businesses that the chapter failed to follow through with.

Last year, I focused mostly on trying to create a raffle where none had existed, by getting donations from a handful of local businesses. I kept telling myself that I knew so many more people that I would be so much more valuable to the walk this year. I am finally having to admit that I don't have that many connections of that kind as I thought I did after living here for another year.

My biggest problem is that I have a horrible time asking for donations from businesses I don't patronize, or at least that I don't patronize much. This is a sign of bigger issues for me. I have always had a hard time asking for help, even when I arguably needed it the most. My husband and I have been through serious health issues in the past 10 years, but I never let myself ask for help. I had a hard time accepting it even when it was offered to me, even in seemingly desperate situations. I finally had a friend and former boss of mine tell me that people wanted to help and I needed to let them. It worked at the time, but I still have a hard time with that.

I am not living up to my own expectations of what I should be able to achieve for this walk. I want it to be special for the people that care enough to participate in it. I wanted to find a drumline or something similarly dynamic and exciting that could start the walkers this year. So far, I have failed in my attempts to get anyone at local schools to respond, and I am out of ideas. I also hoped to get a lot more gift certificates to offer as raffle prizes, and while those that donated last year have agreed to do it again, it's way fewer than hoped.

I have come to the conclusion that having a committee of one or even two is just not enough. We need more help. But for this year, it's probably too late for that.

Here is my plea, for any that see fit to read this and think about responding. If you or someone you know has a business that would be willing to trade a gift certificate (nothing big) for free and positive advertising at the walk, I would love to hear from you. Also, if you or anyone you know would be willing to play long enough to start off the walkers on April 16th at Riverfront Park, I would be most grateful.

That is one of the hardest things for me to do, and it will pain me just to post this, but I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for the walk, which is way bigger than me.

The joy of Grace

This is a short one...just a couple of videos of my dog Grace. She gets such joy from such simple activities. These made us giggle. Hope you enjoy them, too. This is classic Grace.

The pros and cons of seeing the pros and cons

I admit freely that I am a nerd. I have very strong analytical tendencies, which have come in handy and made me very good at math and science. I know lots of other people with similar tendencies, which got me thinking over the last few days about both the positive and negative aspects of analyzing everything, almost compulsively.

Here is my take on some of the pros and cons of being such an analytical person:

Pros:
1) I'll never waste money gambling or playing the lottery, because I know how tiny the probability of coming out ahead over time actually is.

2) I'm very good at organizing things, which means that I actually enjoy keeping things clean and tidy (although I don't always make the effort).

3) I'm very financially responsible and good at saving, because I think about all the negative and positive effects of spending money on something.

4) I'm good at problem-solving and a complicated challenge excites me, even if I can't always carry out the solution to the problem.

Cons:
1) I overanalyze every interaction I have, often making interpretations that aren't warranted.

2) If I do happen to act on an impulse, and the outcome is not as hoped, I can't let go of my lapse in judgment for a very long time.

3) I avoid committing fully to creative activities and individual sports, because I am too much of a perfectionist to really enjoy the learning process for very long. 

4) I have no idea how to truly relax, because I am always thinking about what I could be getting done or new places I could be visiting.

I'm sure there are many more in each category, but these are the ones that strike me now.  Just the fact that I made a pros and cons list must be a sign of my nerdiness. I'm sure I'm not alone in this personality trait, but it often feels like it when I start to believe no one else thinks like I do.

No time for contemplation

When we first planned to move from Cincinnati, Ohio, to Salem, Oregon, I assumed I would spend some period of time unemployed after we arrived. I worked for the federal government, and despite what some people think, there is no such thing as a transfer with the government. At least not for people at my level. I knew I would have to actually quit my job at some point, and I had no prospects for another job, no matter how hard I tried to look from 2500 miles away. I actually grew to like the idea of being unemployed and taking some time to figure out what I wanted to do.

Well, nothing ever turns out as we plan it, it seems. Right as we were moving, a position in the agency I was already in opened up, and I applied for it before we moved. I still didn't think I had a great chance of getting it, but there was no huge rush. I was already committed to working from home (in Salem) at my Cincinnati job for 3 months, until some projects I was working on could come to completion. I'd like to think that I could just quit my job and explore other opportunities, but the whole experience has shown me that for me, the compensation is not nearly as important as the benefits with a job. For both my husband and I having serious chronic illnesses, good health insurance is the most important benefit we have, and the only place I could get that would be the federal government, where they can't impose lifetime maxima on coverage.

In the end, I think I missed out on time that might have benefited me to spend doing some soul searching for stability in my health insurance. I no longer seem to have time to relax or even think about what's important to me. I have too much going on and not enough time in a day to do it. It's too late to go back and change any of that now. I guess I need to take some time off from the world soon, before I lose the motivation, and think about what it is I really want from life. I spend so much time doing, and not enough time thinking about what I want to be doing, and I am paying for that emotionally now.

(Ir) rational (?) anger

The BCS football game has brought out some very ugly and disturbing feelings in me this week that surprised even me. It wasn't the outcome of the game, really. I'm not really into football, and I'm not a true Duck fan quite yet. However, I did root strongly against Auburn, based on principle. What principle, you may ask? I view Auburn as representative of the American South, and I will never support any team or school or pretty much anything else from that region.

I grew up in the south, outside of Atlanta, to be specific. I spent my formative years there, moving there from Cincinnati at age 4 and getting the hell out at 17. I was very lucky that my parents could afford to send me to college by the time I finished high school (the only one of 4 that went) and that they were Ohioans by birth, so they were willing to send me to Ohio State. I was anxious even then to get out of the south. I left for school near the end of my 17th year, and, except for summers and breaks, I never returned.

For me, it's not just that racism is still rampant there and everywhere else in the south. It's not just that politics are ultraconservative there and go against the values I hold so dear. It's not just that the religious right is prevalent, judgmental, and unforgiving there. It's not just that being passive-aggressive is an accepted approach to others there. No, those things are all very important in forming my opinions about the South, but they pale in comparison to traumatic events that occurred during my childhood there. It doesn't matter what those events were, really. It only matters that they are linked forever in my heart to my life there and my view of that part of the country.

I have two good friends, two brothers, a sister, and parents still living there, and if not for some of those people, I probably wouldn't visit there at all. It leaves me feeling that much disgust, that I would be willing to write certain people out of my life to be able to avoid going there.

Is that an irrational way to think of an entire region? Perhaps. However, I think it might just be my way of protecting myself in the long term. It's not like I don't remember my past, but I don't need to relive it by having to be exposed to the sources of painful memories.

So there it is. Yes, I was a bit unreasonable in my disgust for Oregonians that would stoop so low as to support Auburn, but there is an underlying reason. And I have to say I think it's a better reason that those people had for supporting that team.

Stop yer bitchin' and do something!

Admit it, we're all guilty of it. It's way too easy to sit back and bitch about things we don't like about the way the world works. The problem is that, too often, that's all we do: complain. Some of us spend a lot more time bitching and moaning about how bad this or that group is, but we often fail to get off our asses and do anything to change it.

To me, sitting around tweeting or blogging or otherwise voicing your opinions is really pointless if you don't back those words up with actions. By that, I do not mean go shoot people because you disagree with them, like the imbecile this weekend did and like some politicians seem to advocate. This is an immature, inappropriate, and wholly unproductive response, even to people that have ridiculous points of view. No, I mean putting your money where your mouth is, so to speak. If you believe in something and have the time to write about your beliefs, you have time to put them in action. I think the smallest actions make the biggest difference. If I could profoundly affect the outcome for a single person by my actions, I would choose that anyday over making some large statement that wouldn't really impact any one person in a meaningful way.

I'm not saying I am not guilty of what I am complaining about. We all are, to some degree. What I'm advocating is getting of our collective asses and doing something for someone else that will truly change their life. There are innumerable ways to support a cause or set of beliefs in a very concrete way. Mentor a child, clean up at a park, volunteer to serve meals to the homeless...the possibilities are really endless when you think about it.

I'm sick of rhetoric. It's pointless, and it doesn't benefit anyone except the egos of the self-serving people that spew it, in my opinion. I think, if all you want to do is complain but do nothing to change the situation, you need to shut the fuck up (pardon my French).

Standing up

I rarely bother to make New Year's resolutions because I view them as the sort of thing most people disregard after a few weeks at most. Instead, I have a identified a couple of goals that I believe are important to advancing my mental health this year (and into the future). As such, they are less the sort of things that typically qualify as resolutions and more as changes to my approach to life. I have two goals for change in my life that I have so far identified, which I think are just good rules for living in general.

1) Stand up for what you believe in. I think a lot of the time, I tend to avoid confrontation, and this leads me to keep my mouth shut when I encounter people that I believe are "talking shit". I sometimes even avoid or leave a discussion because I don't want to upset someone by disagreeing with them or I worry that they will dislike me if we disagree. I have recently realized that this approach causes me to compromise my personal integrity by not standing up for what I believe in. This doesn't mean not respecting the beliefs of others, unless of course they are belligerent about said beliefs. I most often avoid confrontation withing my own family, but no more. I will not stand by as young minds are molded (or warped) by views I strongly disagree with. I will no longer allow racist and/or homophobic remarks go unchallenged because it's 'just not worth arguing'. I believe it's always worth standing up for what you believe in.

2) Put your money where your mouth is. I think that if you are strongly against the attitudes or beliefs of an organization or business but continue to patronize or support that business, you are supporting those beliefs or attitudes indirectly. As an example, if I disagree with the politics of a company, I cannot in good faith patronize that business without compromising my own principles. One particular example I can think of is a business that I believe is exclusionary of a group of people because of how it views that group (which is inaccurate, by the way). I don't support that exclusionary attitude and think it's misguided, so I cannot support that business without supporting that attitude.

I think these two goals basically translate to the following: be yourself. When this is the case, you don't worry about what others think of you, because you know you are being true to yourself. It doesn't mean everyone that knows you will agree with you, but at least they know where you stand. It is any given person's choice whether or not to accept you for who you are, but it is your choice how you present yourself to others. I choose to present myself honestly and openly, even as my opinions and beliefs evolve over time.

I know this will be difficult for me at times, as it goes against my nature in many ways. However, in the end, it's worth pissing a few people off if it means I can look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed.