Today I lost the second friend in a week, and I am totally to blame. I have fucked up in a big way, and ruined two friendships, one of which I cared very deeply about. I am devastated. I don't think he will ever forgive me for my behavior, and I owe him so much I don't know what to do. I became to difficult to deal with, and I can't really be angry at him, even though it would be much easier to hate him. I have gotten through the first failure with bitterness and anger, and that clearly made things worse for me.
I wish I could go back in time and change things, but it's far too late for that. I can't imagine moving forward at this point. I think I just need to cry for awhile, and that's what I plan to do.
Here I thought I'd made so much progress, but I see that I hadn't at all.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I am an addict, baby
Addiction seems to run in my family. In one of my brothers, it took the form of a teenage alcoholic who was forced to recover or die by the time he was 25. Sometimes I believe it takes the form of worrying in my mother. I won't even mention what it is for my dad, because I try not to think of him as a dirty old man. ;)
For me, it has taken many forms, though never alcohol. I believe I was too scarred by my brother at a young age with the damage he did to our family to really go in that direction. I am very conscious of it even now, in fact, because I am aware of that nature in myself and how easily I could end up there. Currently, I believe I am addicted to the endorphins I get from exercise. I have found, especially lately, that the rush I get from doing Crossfit, strenuous hiking, biking, or (hopefully soon) skating is what gets me through the day. When I don't get much exercise for a number of days, I can feel it in mood changes and an anxious feeling I get in the pit of my stomach. This feeling only seems to be relieved by intense exercise.
This whole addiction idea is a little difficult for me to understand in myself in particular because I also have tendencies of being non-committal. I never get REALLY into anything fully and completely. I think I don't have the attention span to become completely fascinated with any one activity. I guess this is why I really didn't flourish with roller derby as the only activity in my life. I felt like it required too much commitment, and in reality, I think I prefer to spread myself a little more across many interests. So for now, I will continue to feed my addiction through as many outlets as possible and be satisfied that at least this particular addiction should add to my lifespan rather than detract from it.
For me, it has taken many forms, though never alcohol. I believe I was too scarred by my brother at a young age with the damage he did to our family to really go in that direction. I am very conscious of it even now, in fact, because I am aware of that nature in myself and how easily I could end up there. Currently, I believe I am addicted to the endorphins I get from exercise. I have found, especially lately, that the rush I get from doing Crossfit, strenuous hiking, biking, or (hopefully soon) skating is what gets me through the day. When I don't get much exercise for a number of days, I can feel it in mood changes and an anxious feeling I get in the pit of my stomach. This feeling only seems to be relieved by intense exercise.
This whole addiction idea is a little difficult for me to understand in myself in particular because I also have tendencies of being non-committal. I never get REALLY into anything fully and completely. I think I don't have the attention span to become completely fascinated with any one activity. I guess this is why I really didn't flourish with roller derby as the only activity in my life. I felt like it required too much commitment, and in reality, I think I prefer to spread myself a little more across many interests. So for now, I will continue to feed my addiction through as many outlets as possible and be satisfied that at least this particular addiction should add to my lifespan rather than detract from it.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Options and Priorities
There's a saying that goes something like this: Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. It's great advice. Don't spend a lot of effort on someone that treats you as if they don't really care about you. That should be reserved for those that truly care about you and that you truly care about.
The problem for me is that I am not always sure which people are which in my life. Sometimes, I misinterpret someone's busy schedule or personal issues as them not caring about me. By the same token, at times, I am sure I do not treat everyone that I care about in a manner that shows that. By nature, I prefer directness from others. I would prefer if we had some sort of sign on our forehead that indicated who is truly a friend and who could give a rat's ass about you...and even just those who like you but really wouldn't miss you if you were gone.
As it is, I have a very difficult time separating my own feelings of inadequacy (which, let's face it, we all have on some level) from a genuine lack of interest by another party. And though I say I prefer directness, I am often fearful of directly confronting a person because if I am wrong, then I inadvertantly offend someone that I care about. So for now, I carry on and just wonder about some people. Perhaps I will work up the courage at some point to confront those that leave me wondering. Or perhaps that alone should tell me something. Either way, it's a constant struggle for me.
The problem for me is that I am not always sure which people are which in my life. Sometimes, I misinterpret someone's busy schedule or personal issues as them not caring about me. By the same token, at times, I am sure I do not treat everyone that I care about in a manner that shows that. By nature, I prefer directness from others. I would prefer if we had some sort of sign on our forehead that indicated who is truly a friend and who could give a rat's ass about you...and even just those who like you but really wouldn't miss you if you were gone.
As it is, I have a very difficult time separating my own feelings of inadequacy (which, let's face it, we all have on some level) from a genuine lack of interest by another party. And though I say I prefer directness, I am often fearful of directly confronting a person because if I am wrong, then I inadvertantly offend someone that I care about. So for now, I carry on and just wonder about some people. Perhaps I will work up the courage at some point to confront those that leave me wondering. Or perhaps that alone should tell me something. Either way, it's a constant struggle for me.
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