Thanks for being such a jerk...

This time of year, I usually look back on the previous year or two and think about watershed moments. Sometimes this involves a falling out with someone that includes burned bridges. Usually, I can actually appreciate that I am better off without them after some time has passed. Although even seeing mention of these people can still sting, I realize that I am happier because they are no longer around to crush my self-esteem over and over. This makes me appreciate the event or behavior that caused the falling out.

So here's my question: how can I thank someone for treating me so poorly without being facetious?  I imagine some of my attempts.

"Thanks for being such a dick when I was struggling with depression...it was just what I needed to realize that I didn't need you around."

"I can't thank you enough for being so bitchy that one time when I needed a friend rather than a critic. It made me rethink the people that I wanted to surround myself with."

"I really appreciate that you were so awful to me, because it gave me the courage I needed to walk away from you for good, instead of feeling like I had to keep giving you more chances."

Okay, so none of these would probably go over as hoped. They all sound pretty bitchy, in fact, but I am truly thankful when someone finally lets me take a step I might otherwise feel too guilty (over giving up on someone) to take. Maybe I don't need to thank them. Perhaps they are thankful for the separation as well, and wondering how to express that themselves.

Have I become Salem Woman?

I saw a tweet from a Portlander this afternoon that simply said, "Salem is a shit hole". My first gut reaction was to take personal offense, because how can I not take a rude statement like that personally? I wanted to say something nasty about Portland in response, but after a little reflection, I stopped myself from stooping to her level. I realized that 1) I don't care what she thinks about anything, 2) she said that out of ignorance, 3) there probably aren't enough strip clubs and addicts in Salem compared to what she's used to, and 4) she's always seemed to be kind of bitter and lonely, and that probably had something to do with what she said.

While I was walking my dog, though, I started thinking about all the reasons I like living in Salem, and the reasons I really don't care for Portland beyond a place to visit occasionally. I do like the size of Salem, which is mostly what makes it a much friendlier town than Portland (in my opinion and experience). In a sprawling town like Portland, with endless suburbs, there is little real sense of community like what I feel here in Salem. It was the same in Cincinnati, and the only truly friendly places I experienced were certain eclectic neighborhoods inside the city, like Northside. Otherwise, people pretty much know they'll probably never see you again, so why be friendly?

In the process contemplating all this, it hit me. My inner voice sounded a lot like 'Salem Woman' from Salemia (www.salemia.net)! If you haven't seen the show, Salem Woman has a bit of a Salem chip on her shoulder, and this makes her and Salem Man kind of possessive about their town and unfriendly to folks from Portland.

The more I think about it, maybe I'm not quite so like Salem Woman after all. I mean, it's not as if I'm blind to the negative sides of Salem. Every city has them (yes, even Portland - gasp!), and they are slightly different in every city or town. Seedy parts of town. Small-minded, hateful, ignorant people. Outdated laws or ways of doing things. Every town has some of all of those things, whether they admit it or not. The thing is, I mostly cannot change those things, so I have to either embrace them as part of the fabric of my community, become very bitter about them and fight a futile battle to change them, or move away. I think I have no choice for my sanity but to do the first. I have to be able to acknowledge and laugh at those things I cannot change.

So wait, does that make me Salem Woman after all?

On being an orphan over the holidays

When my husband and I lived in Ohio, we usually did Thanksgiving on our own after his parents moved to Florida. Occasionally, we spent it with other people who were also from other places and invited us into their home. Since we moved to Salem, we've been lucky enough to be a part of an orphan Thanksgiving each year. I find this ultimately much more relaxing than any Thanksgiving with my family or my husband's. Not that I don't love my family, but because anytime I am visiting them and usually staying with my parents, I don't just get to go home at the end of the day. It ends up being just a bit too much time at a stretch with them.

For Christmas, things are a little different. Before we moved, we rarely just stayed at home over the Christmas holidays, except for health reasons a couple of years. Usually, we drove down to Georgia to see my family, then headed to Florida to see his parents for a few days, then back north through Georgia with another stop to see my family again. It was truly exhausting, and those few years we didn't travel were, aside from the health issues, more relaxed and pleasant for me.

Since we moved to Oregon, it's been different each year, and this year is no exception. The first year, another couple invited us to join them and some friends at the Grand Lodge in Forest Grove for Christmas Night. It was wonderfully empty and quiet, and we were able to just eat, drink, and be merry all over the hotel that night, followed by the hike the next morning. Last year, my husband had coworker that was on her own for the holiday. We invited her to go with us to a play (A Christmas Story at Portland Center Stage) and a meal in Portland on Christmas Eve, then spend the night with us and hang out on Christmas Day making a meal we would share that afternoon. It was very low key, and I like that on a holiday.

This year, she has travel plans, so we are once again on our own. It feels like being an orphan, even though there are two of us. We are still going to a play, a different one, trying to decide if this will become a tradition for us, but aside from that, we are winging it. There is little to no likelihood of traveling back east for the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays anytime in the near or far future, so I guess new traditions are in order. If you really believe home is where the heart is, then this is my true home, because this is where my heart lies. So new traditions should start where my heart is, right?