I have to make a confession that will not come as a surprise to many that know me. I am an anti-joiner. I am the opposite of someone I would refer to as a joiner, someone that likes to be a part of trends or big movements or just "the cool kids".
Don't get me wrong. I like to feel like I fit in somewhere, and I like to be amongst friends. However, once a group or movement or whatever gets to a certain size, I stop wanting to be a part of it. I lose interest, and the more I am pushed to join a group, or just do what everyone else is doing, the less likely I am to do so.
I noticed this most recently with my Crossfit group, which is what inspired me to write this. They are planning a trip to Bend next weekend to compete in the Oregon Crossfit Games. There are currently 22+ members of our box going, mostly staying together in one house. I am not going. At this point, I feel very left out, which makes me sad, but also glad I am not going.
This is a confusing set of emotions, but if I think about it, I can lay out emotional process.
1) I get lost in large groups of people. I don't mean I can't figure out where I am geographically. I mean that I tend to become quiet and even more introverted than I normally am. I start to feel isolated, even among friends.
2) I tend to avoid competition, so in a large group of people, I will not compete for attention. This may be a debit in the presence of a lot of extroverts, mostly because I tend not to have my opinion heard in these situations. Then I stew and become more and more irritated that "no one cares what I think".
3) I despise peer pressure, and I despise the thought that I would give in to it. And yet I know I do sometimes. In such cases, I will go along with the group, not having had my voice heard, even if I am miserable. I am never the decision maker in a large group, because I am never the most vocal one. When possible, I will often decide to do my own thing silently, and just become annoyed at everyone else who seems to be following along.
4) Sometimes, not always but definitely sometimes, I just become contrary and ambivalent. I dislike large groups so much that I begin to dislike any decision that is made, regardless of its merit.
I think the main source of all of this mental drama is the fact that I am an introvert. I am introspective and contemplative, and I need to feel like I am making my own decisions, not just being led along by others. To me, that is a weak-minded way to live.
I know some extroverts that cannot understand that being introvert is not a personality disorder. They want to "fix" me by encouraging me to be more like they are. Sometimes I wish I WERE more like them. I would be more gregarious and thrive in the large groups I often end up involved in beyond my control. But at the same time, I kinda like being the black sheep, I suspect. It's way more interesting long term than fitting in.
In the case of this weekend, I think I'll probably feel a special bond with those folks that aren't going. We're all kind of the black sheep. Yeah, that will be my new group until that gets too big or popular.
