Times have been stressful in my life lately, and I finally put my finger on what is making it hard to shed some of that stress. I used to have a best friend, that one point person I could go to whenever I had something really good or really bad happening in my life just to talk it over. It was a mutual thing. He still lives in Kentucky, and although we are still friends, our relationship has changed drastically since I moved.
I no longer feel like I have someone in my life that I can call a best friend in that way. I have friends, but not really a go-to person I rely on. I also don't feel like I am that person for anyone else right now. I miss that, but it has to be organic. It's not like I can decide this or that person is my best friend. It has to just happen, and it just hasn't. Still, I find myself actually being a bit jealous of those that seem to find that relationship with someone else.
I feel like I have separated people in my life into compartments, and in a lot of ways, that has to be a choice I have made, even if a subconscious one. By doing that, though, it means there is no one that really knows me as I am in all of those compartments. I suppose that could be one way of protecting myself from getting hurt by keeping myself distanced from everyone to some extent. Nevertheless, I miss feeling like I can be completely at ease with another person. I guess I want my cake and to eat it, too.
What I ask myself, and you, readers, is whether a best friend is necessary? What purpose exactly is served by having a single best friend? Am I truly missing out, or is it really a double-edged sword?
I had a best friend in High School, or thought I did. I think he was my best friend, but I was not his best friend, just one of his good friends. I didn't realize how lop-sided that was at the time.
ReplyDeleteLater, in the Navy and such, I'd looked and looked for that one person to really connect with, but never really found that.
One day in mid-2008 I heard Dr. Laura talking with a caller about the exact same desire, and my ears perked up. She said perhaps what we all need more than "that one best friend" is niche-buddies, like you mentioned in your compartments. So I might have a running buddy and a motorcycling buddy, and etc. That made sense to me. She talked about finding a place of security within myself, so that I'm not putting that responsibility on any one other person to "be there for me" like that.
That had a profound impact on me and I've since worked on both the inner security, and also simply putting less pressur eon others to meet my friendship needs.
That having been said, it is still a desire I have sometimes. And I think in the midst of it (sorry if this sounds cliche) Cathy has become my best friend, who does know me in all the compartments -- she may not share in all of them, but she does know the real me and the newly-becoming-me, and the "old me" etc...and loves me anyway! LOL.
Just one guy's perspective -- YMMV
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has had these feelings. I guess the niche-buddies idea really makes sense, although I never thought of it as a potentially good thing before. Thanks for your perspective. I feel a bit better about it now.
ReplyDeleteI had a fun group I belonged to in HS, but every single person departed in a different direction. Very strange how we never connected again (shrugs shoulders).
ReplyDeleteThen we moved to Tillamook and I was kinda adopted by Kris. At least that's how it felt. She scooped up this lonely person stuck at home with a toddler and made me a part of her life.
The same thing happened in Roseburg. It was even more difficult to leave that friend, tho another friend did end up moving up here a year later.
And now, thanks to you Keith, I see that I have compartments, too.
Funny how I never realized that until now.
(wishes blogger had the ability to "like" comments, 'cause I'd like both of these!)
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I'm not sure it's necessary, seeing how I usually don't have a best friend and seem to be okay, but having one sure makes things better. About three months ago I became friends with the neighbor who lives in the apartment beneath me and we have been inseparable ever since. I walk down and we watch shows together, drink tea, and talk about everything happening in our lives. We gauge each others dating prospects, offer tips and support, take walks together. It really does make living here that much better, now that I have a best friend who is, literally, a wall away. We are so close (in proximity and friendship) that no part of life is excluded from our conversations. It's pretty awesome and I'm thankful for her, and I completely understand your struggle of trying to deal with that absence. This was a good blog entry, I'm glad I read it. Thanks for sharing!
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